Things I Just Don’t Get About Women
Looking For Single Women? Join Loveawake free dating site:
You’d think i was an expert when i came to the opposite sex.
I mean, between my female fam, my great little cousin (happy birthday, homie) my numerous “not really all that platonic” friends, my old girlfriends, the crazy mocha baristas ive befriended, my verysmartness, and the biweekly¹ wisdom i spit, you’d think i’d know everything i needed to know about women by now.
I mean, sure, i know more than most. i know that when it doubt, compliment her hair. i can unclapse a bra with one hand in under 37 seconds, and, on a good day, i can even guess exactly when their period is due, give or take 2-3 weeks.
Sadly, there’s some shit about women that i still just don’t get, stuff that goes completely over my otherwise verysmart head, and i need answers now!
1. Considering the fact that i strain so much that i partially tear my achelles tendon every freakin time i put on a pair of tims, how the hell do you fit your feet into these…
…without dislocating your ankles?
2. (Generally speaking) why does your taste in movies (generally) suck walrus d*ck? Also, when you went to the d*ck store to decide which animal’s privates your taste in movies would suck, why did you have to overachieve and choose a walrus? Why not something smaller like a cat or a ferret?
3. How the hell did your legs get so gotdamn strong?
*Seriously, it doesn’t matter if she’s 5′1” and 85 pounds. If you get in a “play wrestling” match with a woman, any woman, and she manages to get her legs around you, its a wrap. Just give up. with the exception of danny glover’s face, there’s nothing on earth stronger than a woman’s thigh grip, and any resistance at that point is futile.*
4. (Generally speaking, again) why do you make so much more noise than we do during sex? I mean, as great as sex feels, i can’t imagine the getting being so good that it makes me wake the neighbors two blocks away, and i’d be scared to death of some vagina that made me convulse for four minutes and cry
Seriously, if sex felt as good for us as you all make it sound and look, every man on the planet would die in a week from starvation and sleep-deprivation because we’d literally masturbate 24 hours straight every day until we were dead².
*Btw, please don’t assume that me asking about the noise you make means that we don’t like it. Please, continue to bring the muthaf*ckin noise*
5. You all hardly ever take shits, so how do you all manage to go through so much toilet paper? Seriously, ya’ll go through more rolls than a fat kid at red lobster, and i’m curious how and why you’re able to do this.
It’s best to use verified sugar dating sites because you don’t always know who you’re talking to without proper screening.
Always chat online first and find out what the sugar daddy wants before meeting in person or starting a relationship.
6. Why don’t you just tell us whats wrong when we first ask “whats wrong?”? And, if we take your “nothing” answer at face value and stop asking whats wrong, why do you get even more upset that we’re not asking you whats wrong anymore?
Also, to save time and energy, is their any other initial question or code word or phrase we can ask in lieu of “whats wrong?” That’ll actually get you all to tell us whats wrong the first time we ask it? Will “pass the jello” work? how about if we just say “jack mcbrayer”?
7. How do you always manage to pick the player and/or team to root for that will irritate us the most?
8. Generally speaking, we’re smelly, hairy, and ugly egomaniac assholes. Why aren’t you all lesbians? I mean, i get the whole advancing mankind thing. but, if i were forced to sleep next to this every night for 40 years…
…mankind could go f*ck itself
Can somebody give me some freakin answers, please?
Also, falks, is there anything about the opposite sex that you still just don’t get, and would like to know?